Something intentional

Despite having less than an hour until my first client of the day the sunny blue sky and relatively balmy temperature of -6 degrees celcius had called to me to bask in the brightness of the morning.   

 

 

 "It's such a beautiful day," I thought to myself as I stepped out of the office.  "It would be a shame to not enjoy it." I step onto the sidewalk that is covered in glistening sheet frozen ice heralding the potential impact of butt on concrete and immediately retract my statement.  "On second thought, maybe this isn't the best time for a walk."  I immediately shake off the doubts like dandruff, and choose instead to stick to my old mantra: a little bit is better than nothing.  I don't have to walk far or fast, but a little bit of exposure to a glorious morning would be good for my soul.

As I walk through the frozen streets of downtown, the bright light of day obscured by obnoxious multi-story buildings, my mind turns to reflect on my day.  It is a five client day.  The sense of anxiety spikes a bit in me with that thought.  Five clients is my maximum client load for the day.  Working as a psychotherapist I have found the formula for energy output is as follows: three clients feels like a brisk walk - you feel the exercise but it is refreshing, four clients is like the walk plus the weight lifting in an hour-long workout - you are tired but satisfied with what you have accomplished, and five clients is like adding an extra 5k jog onto the end of aforesaid workout - you barely manage to drag your lifeless corpse back home so you can make your best face-down pancake impression onto the foot of your bed.  Reflecting on this, a part of me inwardly groaned.  I already knew how the day would go: I would feel anxious before seeing clients knowing of the strain that the day would bring, I would struggle to write my notes because my brain would go on strike in an effort to preserve energy, I would be exhausted when I got home and spend the rest of my night watching youtube mindlessly in my room, probably having popcorn for dinner because it's popcorn (💘).  Sadly, despite the promise of popcorn, it did not sound like an appealing day.  In fact, it was a crime against beautiful weather that my day might end up so aimless.

What kind of person do you want to be today? The thought drifted into my mind like a gentle six-sided snowflake.

"I want to be someone who goes to the gym after work today." I responded out loud, impulsively, impishly. "And who doesn't get anxious about seeing clients."  

Wait. If I wanted to be those things, why couldn't I actually do them?  Maybe I could go to the gym after work; after all I keep my gym bag in my car for those moments when the all-to-fleeting willingness to subject myself to the germ pool that is public workout equipment presents itself.  And maybe, at least for today, I could be a person who doesn't get anxious when seeing clients; after all, I'm a therapist - I have skills for that! Skills like mentally reframing who I want to be and believing I can do it (!!!!).

With that thought, like magic, the anxiety towards seeing clients for the day faded and was replaced with a faint excitement. The excitement is infectious, spurring me onwards. What else did I want to be today? 

 "I want to be a person who reads and takes morning walks!"   The thought had barely materialized when I realized that I had actually already accomplished (or was in the process of accomplishing) those two items on my agenda that morning.  In fact, I was already beginning to resemble the person I wanted to be. Huh, go me!

"I want to be someone who completes her notes.  I want to be a person who eats salad for supper!"  Now I was really getting into the spirit of things.  Lettuce go big or go home (pun intended)!  I immediately took a sharp turn right so I could angle my walking path towards the grocery store where I could find a salad to eat after work before heading to the gym.

"I want - ..... I want...." Wait.... was that it?  I mentally reviewed my list of goals and felt the slow sink of disappointment. It was like getting housecleaning chemicals as a birthday present.  Sure, this list encapsulated well my daily goals that might inhabit any typical Saturday working day, but it lacked pizazz, spice, le joie de vivre.  After seeing my clients, eating my salad and working out, was that all I could really expect of my day? I want to be a person who has more than this to look forward to in a day.

"I want to be a person who blogs."  The words slip out of my mouth, under my breath before the thought has even fully formed. I blink and process what I just said. What?  Okay, full confession, blogging has made it onto the goal list in my birthday journal entries for the past two or three years, but the act has been stymied by a lack of inspiration, content and willpower.  But, today, on the freezing cold below-zero street of Ottawa none of that mattered.  Rather the question today was, if I decided to become a person who blogs, what would I need do to make that happen?  

Step one: because this is a blog that is called A Picture of Something, I would need to take a picture. 

    I pause to take a picture in that morning of the February morning street.

Success! Moment captured!

Step two: Since the picture usually informs the entry, what is this entry about?  Well... I guess the picture is about my decision to blog.  It's about a morning walk and the mental conversation that took place with it.  So meta of me, in a non-Facebook way.

Step three: Make time to write. Perhaps easier said than done, but I have thirty minutes before my first client, and since I decided that I'm not going to be a person who gets anxious today that frees up a bit of time, fifteen minutes at least, to get started on my post for the day.

 

But first.... salad!